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"IM A FOOL"
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I am afraid to mess everything up. i am afraid that i will destroy my life. i am afraid of losing the people i love because of my own actions. If my close friends were to leave me for their own choices, it would be hard. but if it were something that i could have done differently or something i did that caused them to leave - it would be incredibly difficult to forgive myself over. So perhaps it is a curse that i often speak without thinking, feel without understanding and jump without looking. i think back to key moments where i destroyed friendships. there was rarely drama that went with that friendship at the end… just a few words spoken by me and none spoken by them as they began to push me away. I am terrified that people are going to push me away. that i am not special to anyone. i am afraid that no one really loves me. and that those who love me will stop loving me. it haunts itself into every aspect of who i am as a person. it changes my extroverted nature to become fearful and hide away into anxiety and fears of who i am. i do not want to hurt anyone - not because it is mean but honestly because i don’t want people to change their mind about me. my life that i have lived is full of people changing their minds about me. one day they love me but then i am told that i messed that up. they may still love me, like my mom, but they don’t like me much anymore. or they stop loving me. or they begin to manipulate me because of my willingness to make things up to them. there are times where i have done things i regret and i let someone say something or do something to me that i would not have let them do if i had not hurt them. it is my way of making up my mistakes. some of it, i regret allowing them to do. i was always - i am always - so focused on the short-term in friendships. that being said, i am hardly a loving person. my friends may call me quick tempered or easily distracted. the words “i love you” are scary to say out loud. i seem to be full of a self-destruction pattern that i cannot rid myself of. and yet people still love me. but what if people love me because of who i am? or something that i have done? then i could lose their love. there are few people who i am certain love me ONLY and ONLY because of a choice to love me. people who have stuck with me when i bring no benefit to them whatsoever and have helped me when i have tried to hurt them. but even these people i am afraid to lose. i wonder if i am on a last leg with them and it will only be a matter of time before i lose them. i live in the valley of fear. it overtakes me. i see no light. i know that there is light. i know God has a way out. i know that following Him takes me there. but i am so paralyzed by my own fear that i cannot see it or place my confidence fully upon it. i think only that i will walk outside His will and lose everything i love. that my path is narrow - so narrow that one misstep will cause me to fall down a mountaintop. i do not understand what it means to walk in peace at all times. or to know the love of others. or to fully grasp the love of God. |